In which I find that perhaps the missives from Melbourne have been somewhat exaggerated and perhaps Perth really is secretly awesome

Day two in Melbourne and I’ve yet to have a $1.50 single origin long mac administered by staff so skilful they also performed risky laser eye surgery from a pop-up food truck owned by the short one in Master Chef with a ‘free range egg’ on a Belgian quinoa brioche. In fact, my afternoon breakfast, or ‘brinner’ as they say, came to:

a) $2.05
b) $8.00
c) $21.00
d) so embarrassingly cheap that when I looked through the curtains and saw their small child that probably lived a small little old terrace house with just one bathroom and a garden that barely doubled as an outdoor entertaining area, that I chucked a handfulful of mining $50s at them and hurried away, ashamed and embarrassed.

It was tasty though and savoury crumpets is something I shall take back with me and ask for at every opportunity and roll my eyeballs derisively and say ‘uh Perth’ when they say they don’t have it.

Anyway ‘voulez vous couchez avec mois‘ – the more things change, the more they stay the same. I was here a long eight years ago doing a marathon, this time I’m doing a 210km ride. I’ll always associate Melbourne with shopping, eating and fucking myself up so badly I can’t walk for a day or two.

More reports of men with heads in their chest and a mystical Pony Fish Island no doubt.


  1. Elodie’s avatar

    I’m not sure what a lot of this says & I think 210km is longer even than 100mi, so ok. Maybe, just maybe, I could hold up yr fine & shining example and also read the lady-bike book & manage to get around my little neighborhood on my cushiony Jamis. Maybe just the .75mi to yoga. (Doubtful. Afraid.)

    Was it $8? Is $8 the answer? Your monies are really strong, so maybe $8 is a staggering amount for breakfast in the later part of the day.

  2. Andy’s avatar

    If it was Sydney it’d be $30 :P

    I guess it cost you $21?

  3. anthony’s avatar

    Not only is 210km longer than 100miles, they don’t even speak the same language. The .75m Yoga Biennial is an awesome race to get started in.

    It was $21, which in Western Australian money only feels like $8

  4. santos.’s avatar

    fact: you know that thing? where it’s just like riding a bike? i don’t have that thing. i always have to learn how to ride a bike every time i ride a bike. it’s a fecking tragedy i tell you, and certainly will be when i get that cafe racer fantasy into reality.

    western australian money is like guam money

  5. santos.’s avatar

    and where are my photos of all the doppelgangerfassbenderbaristas?

  6. Anthony’s avatar

    As Heraclitis said, ‘you can never sit on the same bicycle twice’

    Yay! Cafe racer!

  7. Anthony’s avatar

    I need to do the zoom.

  8. Anthony’s avatar

    Didn’t get a profile though – that’s the kicker.

  9. santos.’s avatar

    him? up there hiding behind the oranges? he looks like huge jackman from that (lack of) angle.

    1. Anthony’s avatar

      We all look like Hugh Jackman here. I’ll get you yer angle soon.

    2. Anthony’s avatar

      Dude you should have come and said hello. Fie, I say!

    3. anthony’s avatar

      Don’t you guys live near Piedmontes supermarket? I walked past there. Ah hot coals of shame – it was at you place I first heard about Round the Bay. Hmm clearly too busy looking for Fassbinder lookalikes

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