The leanliest meal of all

lean cuisine

Being on my second night of singledom and an adaptable sort, I thought I’d try to re-imagine my eating habits. I would become the 7 packets of Lean Cuisine in the freezer type person.

My expectations were a somewhat limp meal, far inferior to anything you could make for yourself but having the certain stodgy satisfaction you might get from macaroni cheese. I chose the can’t-get-this-wrong pack of Lean Cuisine Tasmanian SALMON with PASTA – Tasmanian salmon pieces in a creamy white wine and vegetable sauce served over al dente pasta. Placing it in my basket, my shopping experience was ruined by not being able to buy any ice-cream in fear of the checkouter imagining that, having rewarded myself with my tasty and light meal, I’d then go and gorge myself in guilty self-hating pleasure.

It’s crap. The spiral pasta tasted like the rinsed off leftovers of yesterday’s pasta salad. The salmon had a vaguely salmony taste but the texture was like a pre-chewed tongue of heavily gummed jelly babies. Bringing up the nutrient were a few slivers of carrot and teeny tiny pieces of broccoli from one unit of broccoli several orders smaller than a floret. The sauce succeeds in balancing vomity looks with vomity taste, with a sweet bechamel sauce that tastes like it’s cold when it’s hot. If you like this, call me, I can help.

Anyway, who makes this shit? Ah what a surprise.

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31 comments

  1. Kate’s avatar

    Makes the pan-friend blue eye trevally w/ roasted veggies and steamed beans we had last night look even better…

  2. deborah’s avatar

    Spiceone – Why did you do this to yourself? I almost want to cry, except the picture of the vomit sauce and yesterdays pasta is making dry retch.

    Surely baked beans on toast would have been better. Heck just toast -no butter, cold and hard from sitting in the toaster all day because you forgot about it before darting out the door in the morning would have tasted better.

    Those bastards!

  3. Kate’s avatar

    Saffron, he did it for us! To warn us not to go there, ever ever ever.

  4. Robert’s avatar

    Ah ha ha ha! That’s priceless!

  5. deborah’s avatar

    i suppose i should have added a “this is a rhetoric question” clause after my comment :P

  6. Kate’s avatar

    Robert, should we stage an intervention? Can worse be far away!

    Okay spicedude, you’re coming to the pub for a steak sandwich whether you like it or not!

  7. Anthony’s avatar

    I eat, so you don’t have to.

    ooh steak sandwich

  8. J’s avatar

    hi anthony, any excuse i get (read: when the other is away), i happily live on scrambled eggs (and the occasional omelet) everyday…not nutritionally sound, i know, but then again, nobody’s looking…

  9. The Daily Magnet’s avatar

    Chin up MTC – you don’t have to martyr yourself on frozen lean cuisine, maybe you could branch out and discover your inner metrosexual with real salmon, and fresh pasta, just for kicks – while you are on your own? How indulgent is that, huh???!!

  10. Anthony’s avatar

    Food Jesus is watching J, and come judgement day you’ll be cast into a pit of flaming white wine cream sauce.

    Eliz
    On my own, metro sexed-up, classy meal- might get me all romantic with myself.

    “Thanks me, it’s been a lovely night but I really must staying.”
    “Cognac?”
    “Well maybe just one”

    The sad fact is, it’s a one man lord of the flies.

  11. Kate’s avatar

    I’ve got visions of you running around in school-boy shorts with crude symbols painted all over yourself in the blood of a dead pig! Toni must be back soon to end this madness, right?

  12. Anthony’s avatar

    She’s back!

  13. ejm’s avatar

    You probably would have been better off eating the packaging and tossing the contents in the garbage (before ingesting the contents, I mean)

    Or should I have said “hurling”?

  14. Avatar’s avatar

    That looks horrid. And sounds about as appetizing as… well, really, do I have to tell you?

    And “singledom”? What have I missed?

  15. teddles_russ’s avatar

    Ew Anthony ew! Grim – next time you feel so cuisinally suicidal just pick up the phone and call someone – I’ll make a roast with veg and yorkshire pudd even – just don’t try this experiment again… Ever…

  16. Reid’s avatar

    Hi Anthony,

    Lean cuisine? PAH! Well, no wonder it was crap, you need the FULL FLAVORED, 1,000,000 calorie version that also has 5,000 grams of sodium, and 4,000 grams of fat.

    BTW…what happend to Toni? Did she run away screaming after you purchased this stuff?

    Onya!

  17. Anthony’s avatar

    EJM
    -the packaging looked rather nice as well.

    Avatar
    – No and yes it does. Nothing dramatic just a few days away at camp and then she clears off to Darwin for a week next week. Chaos will reign.

    Ted
    – Thank you, I’ll never be doing this again. Ever.

    Reid
    – In calories, lives joy. Toni is back, we have eaten nicely.

  18. apple of my eye’s avatar

    those lean cuisines never look or taste as good as the packaging would have you think

    i live in singledom all the time (unless you count my two feline roommates, who don’t eat my people-food), but i still haven’t brought myself to rely on frozen dinners for sustenance

    yeachh! :)

  19. Anthony’s avatar

    My small hopes for tarting it up when it came out were as dashed as my small hopes of its taste. Ah well another thing I can be judgemental about at the supermarket.

    Not very good at the living alone thing. Don’t think I’ve ever done it for more than a couple of weeks tops, ever.

  20. The Daily Magnet’s avatar

    “those lean cuisines never look or taste as good as the packaging would have you think”

    those lean cuisines never look or taste as good as the packaging.

  21. Anthony’s avatar

    Agreed

  22. aleanymouse’s avatar

    We love Lean Cuisines

  23. Anthony’s avatar

    Ahhh the outback, where the skies are blue and the food is frozen.

  24. ALAMBYMOUS’s avatar

    ahh anything but
    FREEKEN LAMB

  25. Anthony’s avatar

    You wanna swap lamb?

  26. adorpsymous’s avatar

    HUUUUHH?
    We are killing some Dorpa sheep soon, and that means we will be eating lamb for about the next 25years…………yippy!
    do ya want some?

  27. awwymouse’s avatar

    aaawwww i hate one word answeres,

  28. Anthony’s avatar

    Oi Miss Manners, not like I’m going on about typos.

  29. awatyuose’s avatar

    wats typos?

  30. asadymouse’s avatar

    typing errors!
    cause ive been taking lessons
    and i thought ive emprooved outa site..

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