5 things to eat before you die

deathbyvolvo1


I’ve had a burst of guilt. Chubby Hubby had tagged me for my first meme for a while two months ago and I never got around to posting it – Five things to eat before you die.

1. Something you’ve killed
I think everybody should eat something they’ve killed and it should be as far up the animal food chain as possible. Yes, yes you should. Can’t go passing the buck all your life. Not that I’m buying into this whole great white hunter bollocks. I’m obviously suspicious of people that surround themselves with every modern comfort and their way of reaching back to their ancient past just happens to be shooting something. There’s a time and a place but any more significance placed on hunting than ‘killin’ stuff’ is bollocks. And yeah alright it’s not very practical so check with your local council and try not to stuff it up, actually don’t bother it’s just too hard.
I dunno, buy a live lobster, kill it properly (they’re fiesty if they wake up!), and pat yourself on the back. Or go vegetarian.

2. Uni
Not the place where I sent five yeards faffing around doing a Philosophy and Accounting double degree but the gonads of sea urchins. It’s like a turd wrapped in a hand grenade. So why have it? Well it’s gorgeous, it’s like dessert for savoury people, a sweet salty buttery aromatic mousse made from the creamiest of cream. It’s sweet like a really good champagne is, that’s not really sweet at all. But why not just make a sweet salty aromatic mousse from the creamiest cream? Because you don’t have to, because it just is as it is, untouched. And it’s something you really shouldn’t have in any rational world but you try it and it’s good, geniunely good. You can’t say that about sea cucumbers

3. A suitably effective hallucinogenic
Not suggesting for a minute that you go out and buy these or even enjoy them in a nice pastoral setting on a sunny day but, while not the most tasty of eating experiences, they do give more ride for your dollar than any other ingestible I can think of.
What it will teach you about food is the effect that small amounts of chemicals can have on your body. Compare this with the large amounts of beer required to get up to the level of “dancing” and the tardy side-effects of eating crap food, you can almost see the genesis of the organic food movement.
Other than that, there’s little better for appreciating how tenuous our strongly held beliefs can be – my! carpet *can* undulate after all, and what a sharp little knife edge of perception and reason we live on. It’ll also teach you that if things do get bad, they will pass with patience, that acceptance can trump struggle, and fear is illusory – very Tao.
Otherwise: play dizzy whizzy and fall backwards and look at the clouds.

dirty


4.
Spam and Noodle Casserole
God help me the world of food is a relativist one. It’s all bloody well we’re busy, or we can’t afford this,
or but I liiiike it, or ooooh what a fucking food snob. It’s getting so hard you can’t even pop into the Scottish Restaurant on a Saturday morning and shout you must hate your children if you’re giving them this shit anymore without someone feeling all aggrieved. Thank you Spam and Noodle Casserole because you have taught me that there are absolutes and there is evil.

5. A Giant Bouncy Castle Made of Jelly
I don’t know if this is feasible but the thought of dying and not having eaten this just breaks my heart.

24 comments

  1. Zoe’s avatar

    What a great list. I tried the Uni, but didn’t know much about sea urchins except book-learnin’ and when we cut it open It Was Not Pretty. In fact, all was brown goo. So any “how-to” you’d like to point me at would be tops, ta.

    Also, completely with you on the mushrooms.

  2. Anthony’s avatar

    Hey Zoe
    You’re more than welcome to consider yourself tagged for it.
    It kinda is all brown goo but depends what kind of brown goo. It should be shiny and fresh smelling and look firm – when it’s off , it’s obviously off. Maybe take a peek in a seafood store to see what it should look like. A problme with just collecting them and cracking them open is apparently they have wildly varying iodine levels depending on where they are – and can susequently be yuk.
    http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/29791/what_is_uni_sea_urchin_roe_and_why.html

    Yep. Until I did Auditing , it was the longest few couple of hours of my life.

  3. Santos’s avatar

    with the exception of the bouncy castle, i’ve had all of the above. does this mean i’m one dessert away from death?

    i believe the first (and only -cough- really) hallucinogenic experience had me say brenda vaccaro‘s name out loud, for also the first (and only) time in my life.

    re: giant bouncy castle of jelly. if i ever make it out to your house, will you make me one? of course, i might have to die in your driveway right afterwards.

  4. Stephanie’s avatar

    Back when I still ate gelatin, I loved enormous gobs of jello! Molds of many colors…it’s a beautiful thing.

  5. Anthony’s avatar

    Santos
    No I think it means you’re 80% of the way towards not having to roam the world as an unhappy spririt.
    Ha! I’m not sure that Brenda Vaccaro is mentioned as one of the phases in the Tibetan Book of the Dead.
    Not on my driveway, I just had the carport done. Looking at the logistics it may be easier just to get a large bean bag or something and hallucinate.

    Steph
    Everybody loves Jello. What is it about agar agar that doesn’t lend itself to bright colours?

  6. Santos’s avatar

    >What is it about agar agar that doesn’t lend itself to bright colours?

    a schoolmarm’s sensibility and the inability to refract light.

  7. ejm’s avatar

    Really?? Have I misread this or did you actually take a forkful of spam and noodle casserole, stuff it in and manage to swallow it?! And live to type it in as #4 on the list? Wow.

    (I confess that I do like velveeta cheese but I draw the line at canned mystery meat that looks and smells suspiciously like inferior catfood.)

    -Elizabeth

  8. Anthony’s avatar

    Oi cheers Santos, the things you find out.

    EJM
    I,I, yes I did. It was the final dish of a casserole party on the theory that people will eat anything if it’s late enough but this didn’t even make it as stoner food.

  9. ejm’s avatar

    The final dish. I’m not surprised. I don’t think I could possibly eat anything after being served that either.

    You’re a better man than I, Gunga Din.

  10. Ed Charles’s avatar

    I like that – “A turd wrapped in a handgrenade”. It certainly smells similar to the former although it may be a more accurate to describe Durian this way.

  11. Anthony’s avatar

    EJM
    I do it, so you don’t have to.

    Hey Ed
    Ta! It was either that or ‘dump filled mace’
    And I hear you’ve been communing with the spirit world

  12. Anthony’s avatar

    I swear, SWEAR, I had nothing to do with Dungeons and Dragons – it was strictly business and bikes.

    Will be looking in the OZ. Great work.

  13. Francis Xavier Holden’s avatar

    testing agin

  14. Anthony’s avatar

    Being a bit testy today FX

  15. FXH’s avatar

    yeah sorry.

    Well I’ve killed fish, eels, sheep, rabbits, pig, cows, kangaroo and eaten them. Do witchety grubs count?

  16. FXH’s avatar

    oops – as I meant to say:

    On my recent sojurn to Scotland and Ireland I tried a Deep Fried Mars Bar for the first time and surprisingly it was a real delicacy. I’m sure you can get crappy greasey ones tasting of fish n chips but this one was sublime. I think one of the secrets is to deep freeze the small chunks type of mars bar and to have fresh clean hot oil.

    Pictures and small story here:
    http://landownunder.blogspot.com/2006/10/myth-busted.html

  17. Anthony’s avatar

    That’s quite a list there FX. Witchety grubs do count.

    I once shot a cow in Reno, just to make him pie.

    I was happy to read about your mars bar, it sounds quite the delicacy and removes a long time slur on the good folks of Scotland.

  18. Kevin Kossowan’s avatar

    I have to weigh in on the first item, despite my fear of being pummeled by wit.

    I recently went through the horrible feelings associated with shooting a weaning calf moose, followed by the bliss of tenderloin in cambozla cream sauce. I think it’s important to for us humans to know the evils of our diet.

    Appreciate the blog. Nice work.

  19. Anthony’s avatar

    Thanks Kevin. I’ve been told I’m half the wit here.

    Ah it’s a tough thing to do and if the first reaction is ‘how could you do that?’ then it kind of implies the person imagines meat comes from the meat tree. Cognitive dissonance is a very human skill.

  20. Ed Charles’s avatar

    Wizard!

  21. Anthony’s avatar

    I’m going to work out the pop culture reference to Wizard! if it kills me.

    1970’s British Kid’s game show?

  22. Graham’s avatar

    Is that a carpet I see below me or a dense jungle crawling with insects? I blame you Mr. Manthatscrewswithyourmind by encouraging the ingestion of class A drugs. My wife said, that omellete was rather fruity, wasn’t it. The doctor says she’ll ever be the same again. Oh well. I’m off to change the colour of my blog to electric green. Happy Christmas.

  23. Anthony’s avatar

    Go on, take a really good look at your hand

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