The Gurniad gaurds the Gurdian

As the first forkful of scampi sidled gingerly into his mouth, my friend’s head snapped still in surprise, then began to oscillate gently in ecstatic bemusement. “I can’t believe it,” he whispered. “I didn’t give the place a chance. When the waitress said, ‘Is there anywhere you’d like to sit?’ I wanted to say Melbourne. Or Belmarsh. Anywhere but here. This is bizarre.”

Firstly, forkfuls of scampi don’t sidle any more than turds flush; angrily or no.

Secondly, what’s wrong with his friend’s head?

Thirdly, ‘ecstatic bemusement’?; was ‘hysterical contemplation’ busy that week?

Fourthly, friends don’t let friends become esprit d’escalier proxies.

Fifthly, an unexpectedly good restaurant is a ‘nice surprise’. Bizarre is a Fortean stick mag for gothy youth.

It wanks on and on (with erratic repetitiveness) and the world of dining, and indeed the entire world, is a worse place for it. I’ll now sigh in a disappointed fashion.

6 comments

  1. santos.’s avatar

    appalling. i struggled, but really can’t get past the five little gonads of monkfish. why were you even reading a review of a restaurant in south yorkshire? and isn’t the author one of the alleged australian drug smugglers jailed in bali? alleged drug smuggler. affirmed australian. still jailed.

  2. Anthony’s avatar

    a disgrace, but “personal anecdote+add adjectives to the menu listing” is pretty much the template. Does the sports section put up with this?
    “The waitress thought we were gay!HaHaHaHa! Us! hahahaha!””So how were your gonads?” It’s like an extract from a middle-aged coming out-of-the-closet romance novel.
    Gotta stay abreast of things. I think I was reading a piece on eat it all Fergus Henderson.
    Prisoner swap!

  3. santos.’s avatar

    yes, i would like this guy to try the “so how are your gonads” line in an indonesian prison.

    have you seen eat me daily? there’s some good snark on there

  4. Anthony’s avatar

    I’ve always thought ‘nad was a great name for an audio company

    no. and they’re great. thanks for that, they’re onto feed (fnar)

    I’ve been wanting to read something like this

    In her first post for Georgia on my Thighs, a new blog that we can only classify as “shameless book deal bait,” writer Michele Humes makes broccoli-ritz cracker casserole.

    for ages.

  5. Matt C’s avatar

    That review was frustrating enough to be Sunday Times-worthy.

  6. Anthony’s avatar

    I’m actually not allowed to read the Sunday Times on the grounds that it “makes me angry”

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