[Draft notes: humbugging food blogger receives a letter from a reader which helps him to discover the true meaning of Christmas and write a handy post]
Christmas, like most high pitched noise coming from inside the brain situations, is the resolution of dilemmas. They are:
cooking <——————> interaction
volume <——————> quality
obligatory ties <——————> voluntary ties
European tradition <——————> Latitudinal reality
feasting <——————> grazing
luxury <——————> penury
To help, here are some pointers:
Esky:The fridge will be working hard and opening it up for drinks won't help
Moist:Get a larding needle and a baster.
Token Gestures :Turkey gods appeased by marinating turkey breast in cranberry sauce and puttiing them on skewers. Another year I made poulet en papillote shaped like christmas crackers.
Fruit Mince Pies:Are good. Gingerbread for the home touch. Cookie cutters stifle innovation.
Christmas Eve:A walk down Omotesando before dinner, and then hope you can coax your date into a Love Hotel.
Bread:Heavier breads keep longer and quality bread makes quality cold meat sandwiches.
Food as Metaphor:Son of God. Turkey? Goose? Lamb. King of Kings. Crown Roast.
Ham:Covered with a damp towel or a ham bag, it will bring days of seasonal happiness.
Eggs:see above + breakfast omlette
Butchers:they know. Speak to them. They will be happy. Give organic and free range a go.
Rissotto:Pasta seems wrong. Ravioli though.
Music:Ethereal trumps supermarket soundtrack. Dvorak or similar.
Wine:White Christmas. Crap champagne is still crap. Sparkling shiraz is at the very worst colour coded. Local wineries have case deals – go swapsies with friends. Good for gifts.
Fuss:One of my favourite Christmas dinners was sausages and mash with takeaway chicken. It's the company.
Sherry:Why let Santa have all the fun. Chilled dry sherry is great. Spain, large bearded men, Hemingway, high rate of suicide at Christmas, moving right along…
Hot-cross buns:save them for Easter.
Breakfast:Automatically casual and leaves the day for ooohh playing on new drumsets.
Charity:Social darwinists et.al. can fuck off. The impersonal perspective is our finest quality. Poor? Alone?
Lunch:Stretch to prevent post lunch collapse. Salad is a course.
Borscht:Why not?
Seafood:You will be gouged. Early shopping and frozen. Little freezes better than tuna. Think smoked. Prawns are luxury standards for the common man. Wrap in prosciutto.
Healthy eating:Unless tasty, give it up for Christmas – but that isn't an invitation to eat shite.
Brandy Custard:No. Cognac Creme Anglais. Yes.
Tradition:Why European? The Middle East is the authentic locale for Chrimbo food and a long history of cooking for warm weather. Latin America has some of the most devout Christians on the planet, Mexico is also warm.
Soft bit/Loud bit:Finicky entree leads to impressive centre-piece main. A fowl wrapped in a fowl wrapped in a fowl wrapped in a fowl has made an appearance at Mondo butchers. Or just have a whole snapper stuffed with sardines stuffed with whitebait.
Gas BBQ:Charcoal. Otherwise, make sure the cylinder is full, or you'll look like a nong.
Crackers:Knick knacks, crap jokes, and ludicrous headwear – our second finest quality.
Twilight:Beach. Sunset. Wine. Cigar.
Heroism:Don't. Many hands make light work and food can be shared.
Cheese:Only needs a knife. Same for dips, patés, and terrines.
Beer:I'm thinking James Squire. Crownies? Fosters. Get a few Europeans for special – you don't want port in summer. Avoid world's finest beer packs.
Evening:Catch up with friends. They love you too.
That'll do for now.